When you have a situation that you’re really frustrated about, of course, it’s healthy to talk to a friend or commiserate with someone who’s going through the same thing.  Have you ever noticed that it feels good to get things off of your chest, but that at some point you feel more stressed by continuing to talk about it? You probably feel compelled to continue to vent even though it’s no longer helpful.  You may or may not be aware that you would feel much better if you switched the topic. Likewise, if you’re on the other side of the table you might find too that you welcome helping a friend by listening up to a point, but after some time you get bored or frustrated.

Consider that it’s bad enough that this problem is interfering with your life as much as it is, only to purposefully continue to deal with it unnecessarily when you could be getting a break from it.  For example, think about the person who unloads for over an hour about how bad things are at work when they are already working well over eight hours/day.  They just added more than an hour of time with their mind focused on work when they could have had a break from it. There’s not a magic formula for time, because it’s going to be different depending on the situation.  If you just caught your spouse cheating on you, a few minutes isn’t going to be enough, while 10 minutes should be ample if someone is leaving dog poop in your yard.

Be mindful of your feelings whether you are “the friend in need” or the listener.  If you’re the former, when those healthy feelings shift to discomfort, act on it and switch the topic despite feeling compelled to continue.  Also be mindful of listeners’ non-verbal cues and stop when you see that they are less engaged or you sense frustration. If you’re the listener, consider saying something to your venter like “I’m glad you got the chance to talk to me and I’m happy to support you.”  And then follow that by gently switching the topic or adding “but I’m thinking you’re dealing with this enough already.  Do you think it might be best to get your mind off of it for bit?”

by Jennifer L. Abel, Ph.D.

author of “Active Relaxation: How to Increase Productivity and Achieve Balance by Decreasing Stress and Anxiety”